Joe's Rambles
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Reflections
As I sit back and reflect upon my life, upon my triumphs and my failures, I get a sense of what went wrong. I get a sense of why I rebelled as hard and as fast as I did. See, I grew up in a very conservative church. Long hair was a sin (not that I would grow my hair long, I hated hippies), facial hair could be seen as a sign of an attitude problem (Hey, I wanted to grow facial hair! What teenage boy does not!). Wearing shorts was a sin. Swimming with the opposite sex was seen as tempting sin and discouraged. Holding hansd with your gal was discouraged. Dancing was out. Alcohol was the devil's brew. This is a sin, that is a sin...and if we ain't named it...well it might be a sin too! There was lots of judging (maybe in order to pacify their own mind regarding their own sins?) The problem was the standard was set at an unrealistic high, the bar never surmountable. All you were faced with was failure to reach this mythical standard. All you had was failure. You were forever like Sisyphus trying to roll the stone up the impossible hill.
What else could I do with constant failure? Failure that over shadowed any semblance of grace? Why...the answer is clear. Develop a clear cut case of self hatred. Despise yourself. Kill the flesh; no matter the cost to your mind.
When I rebelled I rebelled hard. The shackles were off and I was on a permanent Rumspringa. What is wrong with that picture? It's a picture that leads to a mental breakdown. That is a yoke , the yoke of legalism Christ never intended. What was missing was Grace.
Forgive your brother 70 * 7, keep forgiving the contrite person. When they offend you, forgive. Grace. Grace. Grace. And Mercy. That is what Christ offered. His harsh words were not for the sinners. No! He ate and drank with sinners, he ministered to the "scum" of the earth. His damnations were reserved for those religious figures with the faux-piety and pseudo-righteousness; those that would place the yoke on others, point out the speck in others' eyes while ignoring the beam in their own eye. Hypocrisy. No more.
No more will I allow myself to be brought under the bondage of another man's condemnation! No more will I judge myself by the standard that man places upon me (a standard they themselves can not keep). No more. Grace. Mercy. Christ! That is what I will strive to imitate. Will I fail. Yes. And so will you. But will I so despise and hate myself for everything little failure until such hatred because an all consuming entity that burns my mind mind and rips my flesh? Never more! I will reach up to Christ when I fall and call upon Grace! Mercy! Call upon the forgiveness that Christ offers...even when men disagree with that forgiveness, and learn from it and grow in Christ. Never more will I judge others just to silence the little voice that screams at me my own judgment...a judgment that is of man and not Christ. Grace! Mercy! Christ!
What else could I do with constant failure? Failure that over shadowed any semblance of grace? Why...the answer is clear. Develop a clear cut case of self hatred. Despise yourself. Kill the flesh; no matter the cost to your mind.
When I rebelled I rebelled hard. The shackles were off and I was on a permanent Rumspringa. What is wrong with that picture? It's a picture that leads to a mental breakdown. That is a yoke , the yoke of legalism Christ never intended. What was missing was Grace.
Forgive your brother 70 * 7, keep forgiving the contrite person. When they offend you, forgive. Grace. Grace. Grace. And Mercy. That is what Christ offered. His harsh words were not for the sinners. No! He ate and drank with sinners, he ministered to the "scum" of the earth. His damnations were reserved for those religious figures with the faux-piety and pseudo-righteousness; those that would place the yoke on others, point out the speck in others' eyes while ignoring the beam in their own eye. Hypocrisy. No more.
No more will I allow myself to be brought under the bondage of another man's condemnation! No more will I judge myself by the standard that man places upon me (a standard they themselves can not keep). No more. Grace. Mercy. Christ! That is what I will strive to imitate. Will I fail. Yes. And so will you. But will I so despise and hate myself for everything little failure until such hatred because an all consuming entity that burns my mind mind and rips my flesh? Never more! I will reach up to Christ when I fall and call upon Grace! Mercy! Call upon the forgiveness that Christ offers...even when men disagree with that forgiveness, and learn from it and grow in Christ. Never more will I judge others just to silence the little voice that screams at me my own judgment...a judgment that is of man and not Christ. Grace! Mercy! Christ!
Friday, December 18, 2009
My story
Recently, I made a decision to rededicate my life to Christ. This has not been at all an easy decision to make. Nor is it a decision made in haste and without the proper introspection, reflection, and study of the issue.
In fact, this time two or three months ago I considered myself to be agnostic, if not outright atheist. When my son passed away earlier this year the very idea of God died for me too. There was no more need in my life for God nor did I ever want to consider Him again. What good would it do?
What good was the idea of God when my son was on his deathbed? What good was the idea of an all loving and merciful God to me when that very same God did nothing to heal my son? What good to me was the idea of an all powerful God when that same God seemed so powerless to stop the cancer than took my son's life? Or worse yet, what good was the idea of a good and benevolent God when that same God allowed such a cruel thing to happen to my 9 year old son?
For me the answer was "It is no good." God, as Nietzsche once said, was dead...and I killed Him. I killed the very idea of God. In my life, God would be dead. No longer would I look to the heavens in hope that some all powerful Being would notice me and take pity upon me...and help me. No longer would I concern myself with His will and how to walk in His path. No more. My life would be my own. I would be the ultimate authority in my life. In short, I would become my own god.
But, there was one small problem. I killed God...but God would not stay dead. In fact, God became more real to me than He has been in years. Through the tragedy my son and my family went through I have felt the Father pull me closer to Him. In spite of my hatred for Him, I have found the love of God to be ever more present.
I have been asked to share my story. That is something I am more than willing to do. More than anything I want to help point people to God and to the great salvation offered to us by Jesus Christ. That is what I will do here. I will share my story with you (and pray that somehow the story of my life, of my son, of my family) will point you to Christ and inspire you to walk in His steps.
In order to properly share my story I feel it incumbent upon me to start at the beginning. To skip the first 32 years of my life and jump to the most recent parts would be to do a great disservice to you and to God. This blog will tell the story of my life. I will start at the beginning and go from there.
It will not be a short story. It will take more than one or two posts. My posts will probably be long. But, I hope you are patient with me and I hope you will stick around to read these posts and to share your comments.
A note about this blog;s I have had it for around 3 years I guess. Some of the previous posts were written when I was away from God. Thus, the content you will find therein may be rough and the language salty. I will leave these posts up. I feel these posts are a part of my story. Reading back through them and reading the new post may show you the transformation that has indeed taken place in my life (through the grace of God the Father).
This is going to be a difficult story for me to share. There will be highs and lows. And I am sure many of the posts will be written by me as I wipe away tears from my eyes. But, for better or for worse I hope you come along on this ride with me.
Thank you and God bless you.
Joe
In fact, this time two or three months ago I considered myself to be agnostic, if not outright atheist. When my son passed away earlier this year the very idea of God died for me too. There was no more need in my life for God nor did I ever want to consider Him again. What good would it do?
What good was the idea of God when my son was on his deathbed? What good was the idea of an all loving and merciful God to me when that very same God did nothing to heal my son? What good to me was the idea of an all powerful God when that same God seemed so powerless to stop the cancer than took my son's life? Or worse yet, what good was the idea of a good and benevolent God when that same God allowed such a cruel thing to happen to my 9 year old son?
For me the answer was "It is no good." God, as Nietzsche once said, was dead...and I killed Him. I killed the very idea of God. In my life, God would be dead. No longer would I look to the heavens in hope that some all powerful Being would notice me and take pity upon me...and help me. No longer would I concern myself with His will and how to walk in His path. No more. My life would be my own. I would be the ultimate authority in my life. In short, I would become my own god.
But, there was one small problem. I killed God...but God would not stay dead. In fact, God became more real to me than He has been in years. Through the tragedy my son and my family went through I have felt the Father pull me closer to Him. In spite of my hatred for Him, I have found the love of God to be ever more present.
I have been asked to share my story. That is something I am more than willing to do. More than anything I want to help point people to God and to the great salvation offered to us by Jesus Christ. That is what I will do here. I will share my story with you (and pray that somehow the story of my life, of my son, of my family) will point you to Christ and inspire you to walk in His steps.
In order to properly share my story I feel it incumbent upon me to start at the beginning. To skip the first 32 years of my life and jump to the most recent parts would be to do a great disservice to you and to God. This blog will tell the story of my life. I will start at the beginning and go from there.
It will not be a short story. It will take more than one or two posts. My posts will probably be long. But, I hope you are patient with me and I hope you will stick around to read these posts and to share your comments.
A note about this blog;s I have had it for around 3 years I guess. Some of the previous posts were written when I was away from God. Thus, the content you will find therein may be rough and the language salty. I will leave these posts up. I feel these posts are a part of my story. Reading back through them and reading the new post may show you the transformation that has indeed taken place in my life (through the grace of God the Father).
This is going to be a difficult story for me to share. There will be highs and lows. And I am sure many of the posts will be written by me as I wipe away tears from my eyes. But, for better or for worse I hope you come along on this ride with me.
Thank you and God bless you.
Joe
